The second in a series on living life with joy, contentment and meaning in the face of challenges and disappointment.

This was a portion of my mother’s final letter to me about a week or so before her unexpected death. She regularly entertained guests and always wrote about what she had fixed for dinner. In fact, this was such a staple part of her communication to my sister, brother and me that we mused fondly after her passing that she would have included a menu for her funeral dinner had she had the time. There was no question that she enjoyed having people for dinner and she loved to tell us what she fed them.

Read more: Lessons from the Rock Pile: Get Busy and Stay Grateful

A lot of people struggle with discouragement. The state of the economy has them down. Things are not going well at work. Family struggles persist. They feel lonely. Health concerns linger or loom. Key relationships are disappointing; and the changes they’ve longed for and prayed over for years still haven’t occurred. Over time, most of us have burdens that can weigh us down and drain the joy from our lives. We don’t get the promotion or pay raise we thought we deserved. We feel stuck in a job we need but don’t like. Parenting is proving far more difficult than we imagined. Our marriage is less than fulfilling. Our friends have let us down. We struggle with a health-challenge we never anticipated. At times like this it’s difficult to believe that life could be satisfying and rewarding in the way we had hoped. In short, it’s easy to be disheartened.

Read more: Lessons from the Rock Pile - Introduction

"I don't sleep as well when you're not here."
“I know you left beef stew in the frig, but I just had a bowl of cereal.”
“I’m glad you’re home. It’s not the same when you’re not here.”

These are the kinds of things my husband says when I have to do much traveling that keeps me away from home overnight... a fairly common occurrence the past few months.  It was my general impression that he rather enjoys some unstructured time to do exactly as he pleases when I’m gone. When I'm not home I'm pretty certain he comes home whenever he pleases, eats whatever he wants, and goes to bed with the television on. At the same time, he often appears relieved when I return. He says he misses the routine.

Read more: Men & Marriage

I could tell she was distressed. When I talk about the importance of healthy marriage to children, a lot of people are. Although experts, including liberals and conservatives, agree that children do best when raised by their married, biological or adoptive parents on any indicator used to measure outcomes for children, many still find that message disheartening when they hear it. The young woman at the back of a university classroom full of would-be educators I spoke to recently appeared to be one of those people. While most of the teachers-in-training nodded their heads and listened attentively along with their professors, her expression was one of pain and discomfort. It was clear that she found the presentation disturbing and my heart went out to her. It’s not always easy to hear how relationship choices—either our own or those of our parents—have impacted our lives or the lives of those we love.

Read more: I Don't Want to Hear That

There are some people who have what I call “easy marriages,” i.e., it appears to be easier for them than for some others to be happily married. These couples may be well matched in terms of personality and temperament. They may encounter few obstacles and challenges with the potential to undermine their happiness. They may have chosen well when they married, picking a partner with a strong likelihood of finishing strong after decades of marriage. Frankly, these kinds of couples don’t interest me much. They’re stable, salt-of-the-earth type of folks who make our communities better places to live, but they don’t offer much insight about how to persist in the face of difficulty. In fact, they may give the impression happiness is only attainable for those with a particular kind of DNA or set of circumstances. All others might as well submit themselves to lives of drama and misery.

Read more: Why Do Some People Persist?