Mother Teresa or Attila the Hun

It rarely fails to happen. I'll be working with a group of facilitators, doing an on-site training for supervisors, or teaching a workshop for couples—the kind of group really doesn't matter. We reach the point where it's time to focus on personality styles and I ask participants to complete the Primary Colors Personality Tool©, where participants are asked to endorse and rank statements about themselves. At the completion of the exercise their personality style is identified as a color, e.g. "Red" or "Blue." There are six colors in all—red, orange, yellow, green, blue or purple—so one might naturally expect to see a fairly even distribution of colors in any group assembled. My experience, though, after working with hundreds of people, has been otherwise. Most often we have very few if any "Reds" and a disproportionate number of "Greens." Why might this be?

First, I should explain that a "Red," according to Primary Colors, is one who "takes charge, is determined, can have a temper, can be demanding of others, is forceful, competitive, direct, impatient and opinionated." In contrast, a "Green" is "fair, tolerant, humble, unyielding, deeply-committed, respectful-of-others, can be judgmental, trustworthy and values harmony."

True Blue Colors

I ask you, "Who doesn't want to be Green?" And that's the problem. Because we tend to see certain traits as more favorable than others, we have a tremendous tendency to cast ourselves in a favorable light. Who wants to admit to "having a temper" or being "demanding of others?" And yet, I'm betting that if we asked our family members, friends and coworkers to complete the personality assessment about us, we might discover some uncomfortable things. For instance, we might learn that we are demanding and impatient (Red). We could determine that we have a tendency to be so efficient that our friends and family members feel left out of our lives (Purple). We may well unearth evidence suggesting we talk down to others and have a tendency to be a know-it-all (Blue). We might be the kind who acts without thinking and enjoys being the center of attention (Orange). Or perhaps we have difficulty being direct in telling others what we need and then exhibit anger in passive-aggressive ways (Yellow).

I've known folks who have taken this personality assessment and rated themselves in the Mother Teresa range when in actuality there were real problems at home or at work because others experienced them more like Attila the Hun. In some cases, important relationships were severely strained, or even terminated, because these individuals were not able to accurately assess their impact on others.

Gaining a New Perspective

So what can be done? How can you know how others perceive you, especially in light of our admitted tendency to avoid seeing distasteful things about ourselves?

1) Find the grain of truth in remarks from your most serious critics. Those who disagree with you are not always right, but some of what they say may be close to the truth—particularly when it comes to your style of interaction with others. Consider the possibility that you may be perfectionistic, insensitive, demanding, or any number of other unflattering descriptors. Your friends won't tell you, but your enemies might.

2) Cultivate a few trustworthy friendships (one or two may do) with people who will tell you the truth. Go to these folks when you have a dilemma, when it's possible you could be wrong, when you need another perspective.

3) Seek professional direction or feedback. Many mental health professionals are familiar with personality inventories that will help you to gain a better understanding of your "relationship I.Q." The Taylor-Johnson Temperament Analysis (T-JTA) is one such instrument, but there are others. The point is to gain a better perspective on your hidden self.

Stressful relationships contribute to poor health by increasing personal stress, which takes its toll on the body. Although the power to change others is typically out of reach, we can always seek change for ourselves. If things aren't going well with relationships at work and/or at home, make sure the saintly person you thought you were is not being experienced more like an ancient barbarian by others.

• < Prev
• Next >