It Goes Without Saying - Part 4 - Relationship Predators

In the fourth and final installment of this series, we’ll examine two things we might learn from the rangers in our national parks and how they apply to relationships: 1) Avoid attracting predators; and 2) Some parts of the trail (or journey) are more dangerous than others.

“Fatal Bear Attack in Yellowstone is the Second this Summer” – L.A. Times, August 29, 2011

“John Wallace, Yellowstone Bear Attack Victim, called Himself a ‘Grizzly Expert’”

Bears may look cute and cuddly in the zoo, on television or in the form of a stuffed animal, but those who deny their untamed nature when hiking in the wild do so at their own peril.  Bears—black, brown, or grizzly—are wild animals and can be extremely dangerous, even deadly, if not treated with respect. Unfortunately, because the closest encounter most Americans have had with one of these hefty mammals is in the form of a teddy bear they snuggled with at night as a child, most tend to drastically underestimate the harm these magnificent creatures may do to humans.

Callous or indifferent campers and hikers have wandered into harm’s way when they disregarded ranger warnings to store food 100 feet away from their campsite in a bear-proof container. Others have failed to keep a sufficient distance from bears in surprise meetings on the trail, or to over-estimate their ability to escape a bear in pursuit. Usually, only a bad scare occurs as the result of such unwise actions, but occasionally tragedy is the outcome.

In the same way, many couples deny or overlook the presence of “relationship predators.” Because they are “in love,” they believe they are immune to the dangers that may bring disaster. Failure to recognize their vulnerability sets them up to be ideal targets, particularly at certain points in their life together.

Bear Country

Just as a trail often has steep, narrow, slippery areas, so also do marriages have moments in time when the couple relationship is more fragile (i.e., the trail is more difficult or dangerous) than others. Statistically, these times include the first year of marriage, the adjustment period after the birth of the first child, the busy years of child rearing, and the empty or “emptying” nest period. During these stretches it’s easy for couples to argue more often, stop talking like friends and stop having fun together. Engaged in the “serious business” of life, they forget what brought them together in the first place and focus on “problem-centered” talk. It’s these kinds of behaviors, understandable as they are, that put them at risk for relationship predators. We cannot avoid the rigors of the trail if we want to hike, and we also cannot escape the challenges of living. In fact, much satisfaction is derived from dealing with and overcoming the hurdles common to raising children and building a life together. However, if we want to complete the journey in good form, we need to recognize and acknowledge the presence of predators, especially the internal kind.

“Comparison” and “Expectation” Bears

During periods of stress, when life is more difficult than we imagined, it is particularly easy to compare our relationship to someone else’s and find ours wanting. We wonder why our husband couldn’t be more helpful or romantic, like our best friend’s husband.  We question why our wife can’t pull herself together more and be on time, like a colleague at work. We notice that our partner is not as attractive as he or she once was and note our disappointment and dissatisfaction. This is not the life we imagined for ourselves. We want something different. In fact, many of us think we deserve something different . . . and right at this point we find ourselves dangerously close to being overtaken by resentment or envy that unchecked has the potential to destroy us. Rather than examine our own expectations and what might be driving them, we may allow ourselves to be consumed with how our partner should change to meet our needs. Additionally, if we are attracted to someone else, the comparisons we make between them and our mate will almost always find our mate wanting. These kinds of attitudes are toxic and have spelled the end of many a marriage.

Bear-Proof Your Relationship

Bears have their place in the wild and deserve our protection and respect. Likewise, comparison and expectations can serve as positive motivation for change. The key is to recognize the role they play, what might be driving our desires, and to avoid the danger of making unfair comparisons. If we treat our expectations with respect, along with the expectations of our partner, we have a much better chance of weathering the changes on the trail and making even the most difficult parts of our relationship journey a success.

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